The Weekends are Amongst the Worst

Man, let me tell you all about last night.

It was my best friends birthday, and we decided to rent a van and go out to the City of Steel (Pittsburgh). About 9 of us. So we head over with the intentions of going to a club. 

Well, the ride down was awesome. Everyone was cool, and I drank a little bit so it went very well. I was having a lot of fun. But then of course, whenever alcohol is involved, you start thinking about that person. (At least thats the case with me. That's why I never drink. Or at least one of the reasons, anyways).

So we get to Pitt and things take a turn for the worst.

I get to the door of the club and realize I don't have my new drivers license I.D. only my old, expired junior license. I tried using it and wasn't surprised to hear them deny me, citing it was expired. (Had a damn hole punched in it).

So I walked back to the van by myself and fell asleep. My good friend Andy called a few times asking me if I wanted him to come out but I told him no, I'll be good. So I stayed in there, freezing my ass off. Still, no one to blame but myself.

So things got even better when I couldn't stop thinking of my ex, while I was alone in the city of steel, where shes from. Man, you never feel so lonely as you do when you're all alone in such a big city.

Fast forward to today, here's where things got interesting.

My ex TXT me out of the blue talking about how my bdays tomorrow. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt flushed, and like my pulse was pumping very powerfully.

After some light chatting, I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She actually said YES she did. But then cited how she's been babysitting her little nephew all weekend and doesn't know if she'll be able to get out of it.

Well, I wasn't really expecting her to.

Good thing because she just TXT me not long ago saying how she can't go tomorrow.

I told her let's set a date for the future and stick to it.

She said "I don't make plans I just play everything by ear."

That's when she got a txt "ok bye".

I have no plans to txt her again at this point. I'm not trying to follow her around especially when it's everyone who keeps reiterrating how bad of a loss it is for her.

I may not feel this way in a while but I do now. She is messing up and pissing me off at this point.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Maybe being single isn't so bad...

Nope, I didn't hook up with some random girls or anything.

The key to ever having a successful relationship, is to be happy with yourself first. You have to be happy single, before you can be happy with a relationship.

So I'm pretty much trying to find things that I like about myself, and things I like about being single. Can't say my list is long or anything, but it's an effort that I feel is a step in the right direction.

On another note, though... I was talking to my good friend Dante today who's in a tight relationship with a girl that he loves a lot. I told him something that I will share with everyone else.

I'll state the mistakes I DID make, so that they weren't so in vein. Hopefully everyone out there will be able to learn from my mistakes, and even relate to them.

I let my relationship get routine. I let it become usual, and I took it for granted. I didn't think of my ex as a truly unique person, but rather a part of "us".

This was a critical error, for sure, and I now see that. This is an extremely common mistake that we all make. We take our gf's (or bf's, for the girls out there reading this) for granted a lot, after enough time has passed.

The day things become "routine", is the first day that your relationship stops moving forward, and starts moving backwards.

I wish I treated my ex special more, but I can't with a level head, truly blame myself 100%. I know she took me for granted too, and I don't blame her. Because we all do it. Hopefully in the future, though, I can avoid this mistake.

I told my good friend Dante this, as I said. He took the advice to heart, and hopefully it will help his relationship. I only wish someone told me the same advice when I was only a few months in with my ex... but then again, I'm sure I'd still forget it after enough time had elapsed, and go right back to human nature... which is to begin to expect whatever is 'always there', to always be there.

I am beginning to feel some anger about some various things she did do/say to me, though.

Which is a good thing, for one simple reason:

"Anger and Agony are better than Misery".

Don't think I've ever felt this Lonely...

Well, this morning started out just like so many others. I had a few dreams of my ex... it was more like nightmares, though, because I dreamt it was her dating someone else. You know what it feels like to have sleep induce a heart break?

I woke up this morning lonelier than I've ever been before... and the worst part about that is that my friend Andy decided he'd chill at my house for the night. That's a bad thing because despite him sleeping over on the floor not 10 feet away, I still felt like I was absolutely alone.

I'm at that point in time right now where I can remember my ex's voice since we just talked recently, but it also seems distant and like she forgot me already or something. Unwarranted paranoia is a scary disease.

She told me something that really bothers me, too. When we talked, she told me she was going to go to a new club that just opened 20 miles away with a few of her friends. I'm not a jealous person by any means, so I wasn't bothered by it then. But then my friend Andy starts going into target mode and telling me I should just never speak to her again for that and that I was always out of her league anyways.

It made me think a lot about what she's doing at the club now. It sucks to second guess your ability to relax. It really does...

Today is going to be extra tough too because I have to drive to Pittsburgh today to meet with some people... and my ex is from Pitt. I haven't been to Pitt since we broke up, and now I have to go back after these 3 weeks. Alone this time, for the first time in God knows how long. Gunna be extra tough today.

I hope this all has a happy ending a few weeks down the road... but with everyday that passes, I feel more alone. Just like so many of you.

My heart really goes out to my dudes JT and Roger. Both of you are going through a time perhaps twice as difficult as mine. You guys are the inspiration that keeps me sane. If you can do it, we all can do it.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

I'll be Narrating my Blog Entries from now on

Click here to listen to me narrate this entry
(I recommend you open that in a second window though so you can read my blog as I narrate it)



SPECIAL NOTES:
I have decided to start narrating the entries of my blogs, so that you can hear me say these instead of just reading them... or you can listen to the audio while you follow along with the blogs. (That's whats with the link at the very top of this entry. Click on it if you haven't yet, if you want to hear me speak this entry).
All future entries will have an audio narration.


I guess this is the first official narrated entry. From now on, though, all my entries will be narrated by me.

This should hopefully add a new level to the blog entries I post, and you'll be able to read along to my voice.

A Day Unlike the Rest

No.. didn't talk to the ex again or anything.

So you might be asking yourself-- what made today unlike the other days?

Well, it was because I realized something today. I realized didn't stress over my ex.

...Nope...

That's not a good thing, though..

I felt peaceful today because I talked to my ex last night. That's bad for one major reason:
Because it means a part of me feels comfortable; believes that I'll get back with her, like she said she wanted to.

This bothered me, because it's like my subconscious had already accepted exactly what I was trying to prevent-- which is the assumption that I'll get back together with my ex in a few weeks. I tried so hard last night to embed into my own head that if I get my hopes up, it'll probably lead to a let down.

This causes a minor form of panic, because I feel like I'm beyond the point of no return; I feel like it's a done deal that I'll get back with my ex... which I am seriously trying to fight... because as I said, I don't want to set myself up for a let down.

Pretty scary in a way. It's almost like feeling claustrophobic in your own head... or like walking down a set path that you know leads to a dead end; and not being able to turn around.

Yep, that about sums up today.

But damn, I hate that my blog seems so negative-- but then again I suppose that's to be expected considering this blog is based on lost love...

I know slowly but surely though, this blog will be heading towards a positive nature. Because the pain of loss is not forever. (At least not usually to the intense degree that we feel initially). Whether I get back with the ex or not is a question that only time will tell-- but one way or another, I will keep this blog identical to my thoughts. When I really get over the ex, then this blog will reflect it. So rest assured, the pessimism is temporary.

A Night Unlike the Rest. (You won't believe this).

I can't believe I'm going to be saying this tonight--

But she contacted me today.

I made no contact for the past 2 weeks; I was giving her her space as I've said. I never once slipped up (aside from the one night a few nights after the breakup where she never replied to my TXT. Aside from that, I didn't slip up.. even though I came close with sending that letter... which I didn't send).

Here's how it went down.

She started with a single TXT Mssg by saying she missed me a lot. Then said she wants to be together, but is still so so busy because of basketball, work, and school. I understood this because LONG ago (as in months) we knew in advance how busy this time would be for her. So I understood that.

I can't really describe the feeling I got when she contacted me though. Something like feeling your heart skip a beat; or go into slow motion for a few seconds... followed by speeding up like a train and beating a hundred beats a second.

I said I was never really expecting to hear from her again, honestly. I said that I was happy to hear from her again, but wasn't expecting it.

I kept myself pretty distant (ironic considering some of the things I've wrote in earlier blogs heh) but that was from fear that she would end the conversation by letting me down.

In a way, I was unfortunately right... because by the end of the conversation, she said she wasn't exactly sure when she wanted to get back together... only that she did want to sometime soon.

I put up my guard though, and definitely don't expect to get back with her. I want to-- but I don't expect to.

It ended with a nice phone call from her just a few minutes ago (9:30pm EST) where we talked. Not really about the breakup or getting back together... (thats never a good idea). Just talked. I made her laugh a lot and noticed that for the first time (outside of dreaming), I was happy briefly.

I was smart enough to realize though even at that moment that that happiness would diminish beginning immediately after the phone call would end... and I realized I was probably setting myself up for a let down.

I hate to be pessimistic but I can't be ignorant enough to submit myself to wishful thinking. She said she wanted to get back together, but I've heard that before from girls. I know she loves me, but I still refuse to believe in anything til I see it 100%, you know?

I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I'll be looking back at this blog and it'll bring a tear to me eye because I was right about being let down. Tonight, though... tonight I may sleep a little easier.

Well, I guess the future will tell what's to come. I told her though that it's best no contact is made until she's ready to be together.

My birthday is November 30th, so hopefully I get to see her for it.

But I've learned better than to expect anything, ya know?

I am way too young to be jaded, dammit.

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Happiness in spite of Heart Ache

Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.

I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.

Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.

But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?

But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.

That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.

By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.

It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.

I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.

Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.

It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.



"So Few Come and Don't Go".


This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You

Truly the Hardest Morning

Last night I had a dream. A dream where we were together again and this time going places and doing stuff. I felt so at peace and relaxed while I was asleep for once.

And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.

Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?

So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(

As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.

I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".

And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".

I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.

Is it not worth trying, though?



*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.

A Letter Unsent

I didn't go through with sending the letter I wrote with my heart.

So many advised against it. They said I had already bent over backwards for this girl-- but I can't help but feel like I wasn't such a good boyfriend. I can't shake that guilt.

Is it really such a bad idea to send the letter? ...

I'll have more details of the letter in my next post.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

My Favorite Memories of Us

I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.

I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...

My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.

Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.

I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.

Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.

I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.

Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...

Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.

Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.

I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...

And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.

Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.

That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.

There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.

Some Dreams I have (Not what you think).

I'm not talking about dreams you have when you're sleeping-- I'm talking about DREAMS. As in what I want to do one day.

I know this blog is based on losing love, and love in general; I'm going to take a little bit of time, though, to write a little about the positive side of love that I have.

I'm going to write about some things I want to do someday with the girl I love. Although it may not be with THE girl I want it to be (my current ex), these are the things I want to do someday.

One thing I want to do... have a romantic dinner out on the beach in the sunset of a foreign nation-- maybe Venice, France. The girl and I could watch the waves roll in and out, and see the sun decline a little further beneath the Ocean with every wave.

Another thing I want to do while on the beach? Cuddle under the stars. I'd love to fall asleep in each others arms while being mesmerized by the millions of stars shining above. I can just imagine the girl I love putting her head on my chest and the only noise is the noise of the wind and the ocean crashing. Maybe some sand dancing in the wind, too.

I also really want to go to Japan. I want to go into the middle of the woods in Japan to one of those secluded old houses... preferably by a waterfall. And I want to sit there and watch the waterfall and listen to it, and the noises of the forest around us.

So many dreams. I wish I'd shared them with the ex so she didn't think I was maybe just 2 dimensional!

The Pain of Seperation and Silence

Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.

That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.

I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.

I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.

It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.

I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.

But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.

But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.

Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.

Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.

After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.

Nothin Worse than Dreams

Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?

Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.

It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.

Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.

I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...

I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.

The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.

An unhappy realization

When we lose someone we love, we all analyze ourselves to see what we did wrong-- we try to find our faults so that we don't make the mistakes again.

Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.

Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...

Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.

I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.

So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.

The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.

I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.

Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.

She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.

Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?

I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.

I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.

Now I feel the sadness and the pain.

And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.

A Surprising Turn of Events

No, I didn't talk to my ex or anything. It's actually been about 5-6 days since I talked to her last. Been pretty heavy on the NC (No Contact) rule. And it's been so, SO tough.

NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...

But anyways.

Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.

I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).

So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).

Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.

If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.

I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.

Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?

I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".

Music can make the Heart Break

Hey all-- how are ya?

Today I was at work... I went to the backroom to punch something up on the computer, and I heard a song and it caused some intense pain.

The song was a song that my ex showed me. I really liked it because of her, and I found out it was the song her brother and his wife got married to. So it was special to me, as it was special to her.

I forgot all about it after we broke up-- but then for the first time in my life, I heard it on the radio in the backroom. I didn't cry, no tears fell-- but I felt a TON of pain in my head and I was without a doubt, very, very saddened by it.

I quickly punched what I had to into the computer, and then made my way out of the area like lightning from the clouds.

I was able to regain myself and push out the pain by the time I left work a few minutes later. By the time I got back to my car, I was feeling happy again.... or should I say numb?

I really don't feel a lot. I feel like I'm blocking out my emotions. They say this is normal, but it just doesn't feel normal, you know? I haven't really cried since I lost my ex. A few tears have fallen, but I haven't just cried or anything.

This is a sign of depression.

I worry that I may be bottling my emotions or something. Maybe not dealing with emotions properly... which is the last thing I need right now, ya know? I already am feeling lonely and chalk full of regret and what not, and now I have to worry about that potential issue too.

They say when it rains, it pours.

That's definitely an accurate saying.

I'm doing a little better now. I just feel numb.

Today is the Worst...

Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.

Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.

I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.

The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.

Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?

So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.

After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.

I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?

The Story of Losing Love

It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.

Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.

Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?

We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.

Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.

She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.

As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.

We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.

At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.

However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.

She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.

Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.

She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.

But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.

Well, a few days passed.

About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."

That's when I was shocked to a great degree.

I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.

Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?

So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.

I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.

I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).

I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.

To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.

My Initial Entry: Losing Her

Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.

I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.

However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.

Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.

This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.

I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.