Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

My Favorite Memories of Us

I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.

I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...

My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.

Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.

I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.

Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.

I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.

Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...

Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.

Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.

I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...

And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.

Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.

That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.

There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.

Nothin Worse than Dreams

Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?

Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.

It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.

Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.

I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...

I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.

The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.

My Initial Entry: Losing Her

Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.

I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.

However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.

Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.

This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.

I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.