The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

The Story of Losing Love

It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.

Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.

Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?

We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.

Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.

She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.

As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.

We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.

At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.

However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.

She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.

Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.

She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.

But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.

Well, a few days passed.

About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."

That's when I was shocked to a great degree.

I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.

Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?

So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.

I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.

I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).

I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.

To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.