The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)

Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...

Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.

She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."

Another day came and passed.

Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.

I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?

She said "Fine, sorry..."

I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.

After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:

What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?


She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.

I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.

She said she's young and just wants to have fun.

I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...

Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.

I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.

She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.

It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.

I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.

I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.

She said yes.

I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.

She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.


Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.

So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.

Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.

You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.

It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.

Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.