Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lost in Winter
Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).
This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.
I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.
Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.
Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...
But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.
The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?
So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.
I gotta keep reminding myself of that.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Story of Losing Love
It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.
Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.
Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?
We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.
Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.
She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.
As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.
We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.
At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.
However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.
She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.
Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.
She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.
But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.
Well, a few days passed.
About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."
That's when I was shocked to a great degree.
I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.
Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?
So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.
I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.
I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).
I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.
To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.
Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.
Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?
We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.
Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.
She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.
As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.
We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.
At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.
However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.
She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.
Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.
She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.
But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.
Well, a few days passed.
About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."
That's when I was shocked to a great degree.
I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.
Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?
So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.
I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.
I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).
I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.
To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.
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