Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

The Pain of Seperation and Silence

Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.

That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.

I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.

I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.

It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.

I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.

But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.

But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.

Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.

Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.

After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.