A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

An unhappy realization

When we lose someone we love, we all analyze ourselves to see what we did wrong-- we try to find our faults so that we don't make the mistakes again.

Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.

Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...

Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.

I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.

So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.

The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.

I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.

Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.

She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.

Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?

I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.

I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.

Now I feel the sadness and the pain.

And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.