A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

A Surprising Turn of Events

No, I didn't talk to my ex or anything. It's actually been about 5-6 days since I talked to her last. Been pretty heavy on the NC (No Contact) rule. And it's been so, SO tough.

NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...

But anyways.

Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.

I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).

So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).

Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.

If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.

I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.

Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?

I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".