It's been a long time since I wrote a blog. Well, it seems long anyways.
A lot has changed, I suppose...
My ex txt me back the day after I left my last entry... she said that if I was bothered by her talking to guys, she wouldn't bother me.
I never replied. I ignored her and have never spoken to her again.
This grants a sense of liberation and power, and has shined some light on something I thought would be dark for a very long time.
I really just accepted I would never hear or see her again. And although the pain still lingers and pops up like stray bullets that hit you from out of nowhere, I am doing better.
It's just when I have the dreams of the ex, or remember intimate details or things like that, that I really get down. Like really down. Down enough that I feel like I'm drowning and can't breath... but all that shows me is that I really cared, and therefor, it can't be my loss...
I know more so than ever that it is my ex's loss. And although that is little consolation when I am alone on a cold night, it's still a strength that I didn't have initially.
Would I take her back right now if she begged me? I don't know... maybe... but I wouldn't jump back into her arms immediately like I would've before. I'm getting stronger...
Yes, I am getting stronger, and I know she is getting weaker. I know in time she'll see I truly loved her and treated her well. One day she'll wake up and realize I loved her, and how much she loves me...
but I'll be waking up to the girl who already did.
But alas, I know this is just what they call temporary relief. I know the pain will come back in full force later on again. I know the fight against myself isn't over.
...and so I'm going to end this particular entry with some quick lyrics I wrote.
Like the sun rise, I came to expect your eyes
They were like the skies, and also blue like the tides
As deep as the ocean is too
As deep and blue as I thought our love was true...
But like the inevitable sunset, the light diminished
And I saw the end to something I believed would never finish
Now a full hour seems caught within every minute;
This is a fight against myself, and therefor I don't know if I can ever win it.
Gotta stay strong, though.
P.S.: Wanted to give a shout out to some very important people who have helped me a lot.
Roger
JT
and Melissa.
Thank you 3
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A New Nightmare
No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.
My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.
How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).
To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.
Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.
She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.
That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.
I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.
I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.
I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.
I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.
I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.
The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.
God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.
You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?
Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.
My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.
How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).
To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.
Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.
She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.
That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.
I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.
I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.
I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.
I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.
I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.
The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.
God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.
You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?
Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.
The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)
Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
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