No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.
My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.
How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).
To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.
Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.
She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.
That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.
I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.
I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.
I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.
I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.
I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.
The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.
God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.
You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?
Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)
Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now
A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.
After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.
It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.
You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".
I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.
Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?
Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.
Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:
"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."
I hope so brother.
After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.
It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.
You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".
I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.
Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?
Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.
Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:
"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."
I hope so brother.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Does your mind feel like two different entities?
More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?
Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.
But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.
Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?
...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.
This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.
God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?
I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.
Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.
But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.
Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?
...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.
This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.
God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?
I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Happiness in spite of Heart Ache
Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.
I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.
I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.
Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.
But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?
But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.
That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.
By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.
It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.
I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.
Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.
It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.
"So Few Come and Don't Go".
This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You
I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.
I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.
Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.
But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?
But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.
That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.
By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.
It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.
I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.
Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.
It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.
"So Few Come and Don't Go".
This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Nothin Worse than Dreams
Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?
Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.
It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.
Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.
I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...
I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.
The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.
Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.
It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.
Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.
I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...
I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.
The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
