The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)

Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...

Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.

She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."

Another day came and passed.

Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.

I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?

She said "Fine, sorry..."

I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.

After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:

What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?


She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.

I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.

She said she's young and just wants to have fun.

I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...

Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.

I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.

She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.

It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.

I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.

I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.

She said yes.

I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.

She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.


Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.

So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.

Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.

You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.

It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.

Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

Truly the Hardest Morning

Last night I had a dream. A dream where we were together again and this time going places and doing stuff. I felt so at peace and relaxed while I was asleep for once.

And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.

Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?

So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(

As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.

I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".

And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".

I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.

Is it not worth trying, though?



*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.