Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Some Dreams I have (Not what you think).

I'm not talking about dreams you have when you're sleeping-- I'm talking about DREAMS. As in what I want to do one day.

I know this blog is based on losing love, and love in general; I'm going to take a little bit of time, though, to write a little about the positive side of love that I have.

I'm going to write about some things I want to do someday with the girl I love. Although it may not be with THE girl I want it to be (my current ex), these are the things I want to do someday.

One thing I want to do... have a romantic dinner out on the beach in the sunset of a foreign nation-- maybe Venice, France. The girl and I could watch the waves roll in and out, and see the sun decline a little further beneath the Ocean with every wave.

Another thing I want to do while on the beach? Cuddle under the stars. I'd love to fall asleep in each others arms while being mesmerized by the millions of stars shining above. I can just imagine the girl I love putting her head on my chest and the only noise is the noise of the wind and the ocean crashing. Maybe some sand dancing in the wind, too.

I also really want to go to Japan. I want to go into the middle of the woods in Japan to one of those secluded old houses... preferably by a waterfall. And I want to sit there and watch the waterfall and listen to it, and the noises of the forest around us.

So many dreams. I wish I'd shared them with the ex so she didn't think I was maybe just 2 dimensional!