A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

My Initial Entry: Losing Her

Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.

I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.

However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.

Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.

This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.

I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.