Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Some Dreams I have (Not what you think).

I'm not talking about dreams you have when you're sleeping-- I'm talking about DREAMS. As in what I want to do one day.

I know this blog is based on losing love, and love in general; I'm going to take a little bit of time, though, to write a little about the positive side of love that I have.

I'm going to write about some things I want to do someday with the girl I love. Although it may not be with THE girl I want it to be (my current ex), these are the things I want to do someday.

One thing I want to do... have a romantic dinner out on the beach in the sunset of a foreign nation-- maybe Venice, France. The girl and I could watch the waves roll in and out, and see the sun decline a little further beneath the Ocean with every wave.

Another thing I want to do while on the beach? Cuddle under the stars. I'd love to fall asleep in each others arms while being mesmerized by the millions of stars shining above. I can just imagine the girl I love putting her head on my chest and the only noise is the noise of the wind and the ocean crashing. Maybe some sand dancing in the wind, too.

I also really want to go to Japan. I want to go into the middle of the woods in Japan to one of those secluded old houses... preferably by a waterfall. And I want to sit there and watch the waterfall and listen to it, and the noises of the forest around us.

So many dreams. I wish I'd shared them with the ex so she didn't think I was maybe just 2 dimensional!

Nothin Worse than Dreams

Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?

Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.

It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.

Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.

I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...

I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.

The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.