Hello my friends... my, how time has flown.

Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.

I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?

Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.

Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.

I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.

She accepted.

So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).

When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.

Well, then came the actual date.

We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.

But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..

For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.

I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.

Everything was like it used to be.

We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...

We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.

Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.

At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.

And that was that..

I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.

I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

An unhappy realization

When we lose someone we love, we all analyze ourselves to see what we did wrong-- we try to find our faults so that we don't make the mistakes again.

Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.

Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...

Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.

I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.

So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.

The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.

I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.

Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.

She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.

Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?

I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.

I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.

Now I feel the sadness and the pain.

And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.

Music can make the Heart Break

Hey all-- how are ya?

Today I was at work... I went to the backroom to punch something up on the computer, and I heard a song and it caused some intense pain.

The song was a song that my ex showed me. I really liked it because of her, and I found out it was the song her brother and his wife got married to. So it was special to me, as it was special to her.

I forgot all about it after we broke up-- but then for the first time in my life, I heard it on the radio in the backroom. I didn't cry, no tears fell-- but I felt a TON of pain in my head and I was without a doubt, very, very saddened by it.

I quickly punched what I had to into the computer, and then made my way out of the area like lightning from the clouds.

I was able to regain myself and push out the pain by the time I left work a few minutes later. By the time I got back to my car, I was feeling happy again.... or should I say numb?

I really don't feel a lot. I feel like I'm blocking out my emotions. They say this is normal, but it just doesn't feel normal, you know? I haven't really cried since I lost my ex. A few tears have fallen, but I haven't just cried or anything.

This is a sign of depression.

I worry that I may be bottling my emotions or something. Maybe not dealing with emotions properly... which is the last thing I need right now, ya know? I already am feeling lonely and chalk full of regret and what not, and now I have to worry about that potential issue too.

They say when it rains, it pours.

That's definitely an accurate saying.

I'm doing a little better now. I just feel numb.

Today is the Worst...

Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.

Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.

I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.

The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.

Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?

So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.

After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.

I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?

The Story of Losing Love

It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.

Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.

Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?

We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.

Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.

She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.

As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.

We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.

At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.

However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.

She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.

Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.

She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.

But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.

Well, a few days passed.

About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."

That's when I was shocked to a great degree.

I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.

Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?

So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.

I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.

I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).

I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.

To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.

My Initial Entry: Losing Her

Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.

I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.

However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.

Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.

This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.

I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.