Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

My Favorite Memories of Us

I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.

I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...

My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.

Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.

I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.

Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.

I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.

Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...

Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.

Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.

I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...

And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.

Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.

That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.

There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.

An unhappy realization

When we lose someone we love, we all analyze ourselves to see what we did wrong-- we try to find our faults so that we don't make the mistakes again.

Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.

Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...

Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.

I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.

So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.

The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.

I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.

Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.

She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.

Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?

I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.

I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.

Now I feel the sadness and the pain.

And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.