Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.
I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?
Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.
Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.
I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.
She accepted.
So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).
When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.
Well, then came the actual date.
We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.
But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..
For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.
I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.
Everything was like it used to be.
We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...
We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.
Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.
At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.
And that was that..
I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.
I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)
Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving...
Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.
I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.
Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.
Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.
I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.
But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...
I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.
Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.
Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.
I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.
But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now
A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.
After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.
It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.
You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".
I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.
Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?
Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.
Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:
"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."
I hope so brother.
After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.
It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.
You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".
I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.
Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?
Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.
Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:
"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."
I hope so brother.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Another Cold Morning
Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.
I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.
Pretty powerful stuff.
I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.
I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.
I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.
It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.
I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.
Pretty powerful stuff.
I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.
I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.
I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.
It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Truly the Hardest Morning
Last night I had a dream. A dream where we were together again and this time going places and doing stuff. I felt so at peace and relaxed while I was asleep for once.
And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.
Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?
So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(
As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.
I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".
And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".
I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.
Is it not worth trying, though?
*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.
And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.
Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?
So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(
As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.
I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".
And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".
I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.
Is it not worth trying, though?
*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A Love Letter on a Rainy Night
I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--
Write her a heartfelt letter.
Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.
It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.
As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.
My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.
"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"
Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield
I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.
I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...
Write her a heartfelt letter.
Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.
It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.
As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.
My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.
"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"
Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield
I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.
I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...
Saturday, November 15, 2008
My Favorite Memories of Us
I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.
I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...
My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.
Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.
I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.
Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.
I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.
Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...
Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.
Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.
I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...
And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.
Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.
That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.
There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.
I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...
My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.
Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.
I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.
Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.
I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.
Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...
Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.
Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.
I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...
And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.
Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.
That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.
There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.
The Pain of Seperation and Silence
Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.
That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.
I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.
I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.
It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.
I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.
But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.
But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.
Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.
Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.
After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.
I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.
I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.
It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.
I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.
But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.
But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.
Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.
Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.
After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Nothin Worse than Dreams
Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?
Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.
It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.
Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.
I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...
I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.
The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.
Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.
It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.
Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.
I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...
I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.
The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.
Friday, November 14, 2008
An unhappy realization
When we lose someone we love, we all analyze ourselves to see what we did wrong-- we try to find our faults so that we don't make the mistakes again.
Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.
Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...
Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.
I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.
So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.
The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.
I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.
Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.
She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.
Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?
I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.
I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.
Now I feel the sadness and the pain.
And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.
Today began as just another morning. I wasn't crying or anything. I went to my class and got through it the best I could.
Then I got home and had that inevitable "alone time" where you have nothing to do except think and reflect back on what you did, what you miss, etc...
Well, I was looking for things I did wrong to try to explain how exactly this whole situation had came to be.
I thought up a few things.. a lot of things I'd done wrong, but nothing so severe that it would truly justify losing so much time that we had invested in eachother... losing everything.
So to try to get my mind on other things, and with the desire to help others who are going through the same, I went to www.loveshack.org. I was reading some forums where people are dealing with the same that I am (www.loveshack.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18) and saw that someone did something stupid along the same lines of something stupid that I did. Hearing them talk about it, showed me how serious of a problem it can be.
The last weekend my ex and I spent together (the first days of November), we got into a little argument and she complained about some trivial things. I had some pent up anger about her doing this, because she'd been doing it for a month or two now... so I said something very hurtful which I regret with all my heart and absolutely did not mean.
I told her that if she isn't happy with me, I am sure there would be a girl out there who would be happy to take her place.
Nearly immediately I realized what a great error this was, and that I did not mean it. I didn't mean it one bit. I apologized, and told her the things about her that I love; I told her it was only her I wanted to be with. I told her how I love how she always txts me and I'm never lonely... I told her I love the shows she loves... I told her I love how cute she is... how shy she is... I told her I love how she never let me down... How amazing she is... how great she makes me feel... how she inspires me. I told her I love everything about her.
She forgave me and we fell asleep in each others arms; but now, in retrospect, I feel the damage was done. I feel like this is what really did us in.
Today the sadness overcame me when I realized this, and I had a little break down. Do you know what it feels like to wish with every fiber of your being that you could go back and erase a mistake, or mistakes? Do you know what it feels like to wish you could go back in time and be a better person? A person that the one you love deserves?
I wish I could fight for her. I wish she knew that I am not talking to her because I want to give her the space she needs to get a perspective of things. But I wish she knew I'd take a bullet for her. I'd suffer all her pain on her behalf in a heartbeat if I could. I know that's not normal or sane to offer yourself up like that; but that's the price of true love-- The realization that someone is more important to you, than even you. It's a price I was willing to pay.
I'd really give up every material possession I have ever gotten just to go back and never say or do anything hurtful to her; I'd give it all up just so she could understand how beautiful and amazing she was to me. I'd give up everything I've ever owned to show her what a diamond she really was in my eyes.
Now I feel the sadness and the pain.
And that diamond she was to me, seems to have melted; that shiny diamond is now the shiny tears that fall from my eyes.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A Surprising Turn of Events
No, I didn't talk to my ex or anything. It's actually been about 5-6 days since I talked to her last. Been pretty heavy on the NC (No Contact) rule. And it's been so, SO tough.
NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...
But anyways.
Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.
I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).
So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).
Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.
If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.
I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.
Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?
I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".
NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...
But anyways.
Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.
I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).
So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).
Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.
If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.
I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.
Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?
I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Story of Losing Love
It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.
Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.
Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?
We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.
Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.
She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.
As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.
We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.
At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.
However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.
She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.
Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.
She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.
But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.
Well, a few days passed.
About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."
That's when I was shocked to a great degree.
I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.
Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?
So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.
I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.
I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).
I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.
To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.
Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.
Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?
We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.
Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.
She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.
As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.
We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.
At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.
However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.
She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.
Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.
She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.
But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.
Well, a few days passed.
About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."
That's when I was shocked to a great degree.
I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.
Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?
So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.
I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.
I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).
I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.
To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.
My Initial Entry: Losing Her
Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.
I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.
However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.
Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.
This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.
I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.
I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.
However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.
Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.
This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.
I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.
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