The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Happiness in spite of Heart Ache

Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.

I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.

Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.

But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?

But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.

That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.

By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.

It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.

I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.

Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.

It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.



"So Few Come and Don't Go".


This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You

Truly the Hardest Morning

Last night I had a dream. A dream where we were together again and this time going places and doing stuff. I felt so at peace and relaxed while I was asleep for once.

And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.

Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?

So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(

As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.

I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".

And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".

I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.

Is it not worth trying, though?



*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.

A Letter Unsent

I didn't go through with sending the letter I wrote with my heart.

So many advised against it. They said I had already bent over backwards for this girl-- but I can't help but feel like I wasn't such a good boyfriend. I can't shake that guilt.

Is it really such a bad idea to send the letter? ...

I'll have more details of the letter in my next post.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...