Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

A Night Unlike the Rest. (You won't believe this).

I can't believe I'm going to be saying this tonight--

But she contacted me today.

I made no contact for the past 2 weeks; I was giving her her space as I've said. I never once slipped up (aside from the one night a few nights after the breakup where she never replied to my TXT. Aside from that, I didn't slip up.. even though I came close with sending that letter... which I didn't send).

Here's how it went down.

She started with a single TXT Mssg by saying she missed me a lot. Then said she wants to be together, but is still so so busy because of basketball, work, and school. I understood this because LONG ago (as in months) we knew in advance how busy this time would be for her. So I understood that.

I can't really describe the feeling I got when she contacted me though. Something like feeling your heart skip a beat; or go into slow motion for a few seconds... followed by speeding up like a train and beating a hundred beats a second.

I said I was never really expecting to hear from her again, honestly. I said that I was happy to hear from her again, but wasn't expecting it.

I kept myself pretty distant (ironic considering some of the things I've wrote in earlier blogs heh) but that was from fear that she would end the conversation by letting me down.

In a way, I was unfortunately right... because by the end of the conversation, she said she wasn't exactly sure when she wanted to get back together... only that she did want to sometime soon.

I put up my guard though, and definitely don't expect to get back with her. I want to-- but I don't expect to.

It ended with a nice phone call from her just a few minutes ago (9:30pm EST) where we talked. Not really about the breakup or getting back together... (thats never a good idea). Just talked. I made her laugh a lot and noticed that for the first time (outside of dreaming), I was happy briefly.

I was smart enough to realize though even at that moment that that happiness would diminish beginning immediately after the phone call would end... and I realized I was probably setting myself up for a let down.

I hate to be pessimistic but I can't be ignorant enough to submit myself to wishful thinking. She said she wanted to get back together, but I've heard that before from girls. I know she loves me, but I still refuse to believe in anything til I see it 100%, you know?

I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I'll be looking back at this blog and it'll bring a tear to me eye because I was right about being let down. Tonight, though... tonight I may sleep a little easier.

Well, I guess the future will tell what's to come. I told her though that it's best no contact is made until she's ready to be together.

My birthday is November 30th, so hopefully I get to see her for it.

But I've learned better than to expect anything, ya know?

I am way too young to be jaded, dammit.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Happiness in spite of Heart Ache

Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.

I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.

Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.

But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?

But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.

That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.

By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.

It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.

I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.

Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.

It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.



"So Few Come and Don't Go".


This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You

A Letter Unsent

I didn't go through with sending the letter I wrote with my heart.

So many advised against it. They said I had already bent over backwards for this girl-- but I can't help but feel like I wasn't such a good boyfriend. I can't shake that guilt.

Is it really such a bad idea to send the letter? ...

I'll have more details of the letter in my next post.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

Some Dreams I have (Not what you think).

I'm not talking about dreams you have when you're sleeping-- I'm talking about DREAMS. As in what I want to do one day.

I know this blog is based on losing love, and love in general; I'm going to take a little bit of time, though, to write a little about the positive side of love that I have.

I'm going to write about some things I want to do someday with the girl I love. Although it may not be with THE girl I want it to be (my current ex), these are the things I want to do someday.

One thing I want to do... have a romantic dinner out on the beach in the sunset of a foreign nation-- maybe Venice, France. The girl and I could watch the waves roll in and out, and see the sun decline a little further beneath the Ocean with every wave.

Another thing I want to do while on the beach? Cuddle under the stars. I'd love to fall asleep in each others arms while being mesmerized by the millions of stars shining above. I can just imagine the girl I love putting her head on my chest and the only noise is the noise of the wind and the ocean crashing. Maybe some sand dancing in the wind, too.

I also really want to go to Japan. I want to go into the middle of the woods in Japan to one of those secluded old houses... preferably by a waterfall. And I want to sit there and watch the waterfall and listen to it, and the noises of the forest around us.

So many dreams. I wish I'd shared them with the ex so she didn't think I was maybe just 2 dimensional!

Nothin Worse than Dreams

Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?

Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.

It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.

Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.

I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...

I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.

The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.