Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

A Surprising Turn of Events

No, I didn't talk to my ex or anything. It's actually been about 5-6 days since I talked to her last. Been pretty heavy on the NC (No Contact) rule. And it's been so, SO tough.

NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...

But anyways.

Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.

I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).

So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).

Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.

If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.

I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.

Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?

I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".