Today is the Worst...

Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.

Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.

I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.

The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.

Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?

So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.

After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.

I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?