Hello my friends... my, how time has flown.

Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.

I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?

Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.

Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.

I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.

She accepted.

So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).

When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.

Well, then came the actual date.

We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.

But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..

For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.

I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.

Everything was like it used to be.

We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...

We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.

Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.

At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.

And that was that..

I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.

I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.

Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

Happiness in spite of Heart Ache

Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.

I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.

Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.

But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?

But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.

That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.

By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.

It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.

I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.

Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.

It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.



"So Few Come and Don't Go".


This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You

Music can make the Heart Break

Hey all-- how are ya?

Today I was at work... I went to the backroom to punch something up on the computer, and I heard a song and it caused some intense pain.

The song was a song that my ex showed me. I really liked it because of her, and I found out it was the song her brother and his wife got married to. So it was special to me, as it was special to her.

I forgot all about it after we broke up-- but then for the first time in my life, I heard it on the radio in the backroom. I didn't cry, no tears fell-- but I felt a TON of pain in my head and I was without a doubt, very, very saddened by it.

I quickly punched what I had to into the computer, and then made my way out of the area like lightning from the clouds.

I was able to regain myself and push out the pain by the time I left work a few minutes later. By the time I got back to my car, I was feeling happy again.... or should I say numb?

I really don't feel a lot. I feel like I'm blocking out my emotions. They say this is normal, but it just doesn't feel normal, you know? I haven't really cried since I lost my ex. A few tears have fallen, but I haven't just cried or anything.

This is a sign of depression.

I worry that I may be bottling my emotions or something. Maybe not dealing with emotions properly... which is the last thing I need right now, ya know? I already am feeling lonely and chalk full of regret and what not, and now I have to worry about that potential issue too.

They say when it rains, it pours.

That's definitely an accurate saying.

I'm doing a little better now. I just feel numb.

The Story of Losing Love

It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.

Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.

Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?

We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.

Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.

She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.

As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.

We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.

At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.

However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.

She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.

Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.

She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.

But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.

Well, a few days passed.

About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."

That's when I was shocked to a great degree.

I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.

Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?

So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.

I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.

I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).

I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.

To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.