Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.
I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?
Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.
Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.
I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.
She accepted.
So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).
When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.
Well, then came the actual date.
We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.
But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..
For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.
I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.
Everything was like it used to be.
We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...
We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.
Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.
At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.
And that was that..
I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.
I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tears. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A New Nightmare
No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.
My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.
How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).
To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.
Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.
She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.
That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.
I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.
I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.
I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.
I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.
I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.
The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.
God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.
You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?
Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.
My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.
How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).
To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.
Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.
She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.
That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.
I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.
I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.
I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.
I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.
I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.
The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.
God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.
You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?
Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.
The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)
Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.
She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."
Another day came and passed.
Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.
I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?
She said "Fine, sorry..."
I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.
After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:
What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?
She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.
I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.
She said she's young and just wants to have fun.
I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...
Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.
I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.
She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.
It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.
I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.
I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.
She said yes.
I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.
She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.
Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.
So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.
Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.
You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.
It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.
Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Another Cold Morning
Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.
I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.
Pretty powerful stuff.
I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.
I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.
I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.
It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.
I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.
Pretty powerful stuff.
I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.
I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.
I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.
It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
My Favorite Memories of Us
I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.
I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...
My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.
Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.
I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.
Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.
I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.
Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...
Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.
Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.
I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...
And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.
Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.
That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.
There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.
I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...
My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.
Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.
I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.
Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.
I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.
Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...
Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.
Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.
I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...
And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.
Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.
That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.
There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.
The Pain of Seperation and Silence
Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.
That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.
I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.
I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.
It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.
I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.
But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.
But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.
Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.
Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.
After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.
I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.
I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.
It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.
I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.
But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.
But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.
Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.
Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.
After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Today is the Worst...
Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.
Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.
I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.
The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.
Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?
So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.
After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.
I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?
Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.
I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.
The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.
Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?
So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.
After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.
I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?
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