Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

My Favorite Memories of Us

I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.

I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...

My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.

Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.

I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.

Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.

I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.

Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...

Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.

Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.

I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...

And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.

Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.

That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.

There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.

The Story of Losing Love

It all began a long while ago-- and rest assured, writing this is very hard for me because I have to fight back a tear or two.

Anyways, the girl caught my eye off the bat, and I caught hers too-- so there was an instant physical attraction. Maybe that's the wrong way to start a relationship, thinking back. Heh.

Well, she constantly txt me. Like, a hell of a lot. This got me into the frame of the mind that she really wanted to be with me. I loved the constant contact, I admit. I never really felt alone at all, and it was nice... If I didn't reply to any of her txts, she'd send me another around 30 minutes later asking me another question, to get me to reply to her... it was very cute, you know?

We got closer and closer, and I felt like I was really ready to make her my gf... so we hung out, and while cuddling on a bench in a popular mall in Pittsburgh, PA, I asked her out. Hearing her say "Yes" was one of the brightest moments I'd had in any recent times. It was great to hear-- and it seemed to make everything a little brighter.

Well, the months came and went-- no arguments, only laughs. I loved sharing music with the girl, and talking to her about my dreams of being in Hollywood.

She was inspired it seemed, and I felt complete. She did too, it seemed.

As the months passed, I began to truly fall in love. I made that age old error of becoming slightly dependent on her. I leaned a little bit on her, as she became a great, solid part of my life.

We shared movies, laughs, dinners, and special times that I'll never forget-- like going to an amusement park around Pittsburgh.

At times, I do admit however, that I felt distant from her. There were times I did not want to be with her-- but I discussed my issues with her and although she seemed to not have changed much, I felt a little bit better for discussing them.

However, as the months continued to pass, I began to feel more like one day I would marry this girl. No time soon, of course-- I had in mind far more down the road, sometime in California when I got there.

She told me she loved me many times a day, and I knew I loved her too. I gave the girl her space when she was with friends, and I always trusted her-- I was always there for her, too. When she lay her head on my chest, I felt brighter than any star in the sky above.

Then the very night of the 2008 Presidential Election, November 4th, she said she loved me to death but wanted a break to think.

She wanted to be friends during the break-- but I am not stupid. I saw things for how they were-- I knew once you get into a friend zone, you cannot break out of it.

But I couldn't fathom the situation-- it was such a shock. I didn't even believe I was awake. I didn't think I could do without talking to her-- so with a few tears in my eyes dropping to the ground like the coldest rain you could ever imagine, I told her I'd still talk to her.

Well, a few days passed.

About 3 nights later, I told her I love her-- like I had the 2 nights before. She ignored it, and after a delay said "Mmhmm."

That's when I was shocked to a great degree.

I told her that I loved her to death too and if she couldn't see what I was worth, then it's better we just stop talking. I told her she could contact me again only when she's ready to see each other again.

Did I mention she did this all over the phone? How could a girl who says she loved you so much, for such a long time, do you in like this?

So here I am, a week later, in a place I never thought I'd be.

I know I'll make it through this... slowly. I know, however, many bad days are to come.

I haven't contacted her since, except for one night when the pain overcame me-- but that was it. She never replied. It was another shock to me that she didn't care enough to reply... (that's how it seemed to me, anyways).

I hope some of you out there got something from this, and it helps ease some of your pain if you are going through this as well. It's not the first time I've loved and lost before-- but it still hurts like hell.

To all my anonymous friends out there reading this... I once again wish you the best and hope that you feel a little more ease with your situation. Know you are not alone, and never will be. Keep ya heads up, you can do anything in life. Trust me.