Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.
I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.
I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.
Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.
But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?
But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.
That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.
By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.
It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.
I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.
Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.
It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.
"So Few Come and Don't Go".
This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You
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