Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.
I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.
Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.
Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.
I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.
But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbroken. Show all posts
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A Love Letter on a Rainy Night
I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--
Write her a heartfelt letter.
Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.
It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.
As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.
My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.
"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"
Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield
I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.
I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...
Write her a heartfelt letter.
Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.
It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.
As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.
My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.
"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"
Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield
I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.
I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Today is the Worst...
Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.
Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.
I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.
The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.
Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?
So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.
After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.
I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?
Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.
I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.
The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.
Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?
So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.
After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.
I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
My Initial Entry: Losing Her
Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.
I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.
However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.
Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.
This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.
I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.
I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.
However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.
Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.
This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.
I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.
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