A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

A Night Unlike the Rest. (You won't believe this).

I can't believe I'm going to be saying this tonight--

But she contacted me today.

I made no contact for the past 2 weeks; I was giving her her space as I've said. I never once slipped up (aside from the one night a few nights after the breakup where she never replied to my TXT. Aside from that, I didn't slip up.. even though I came close with sending that letter... which I didn't send).

Here's how it went down.

She started with a single TXT Mssg by saying she missed me a lot. Then said she wants to be together, but is still so so busy because of basketball, work, and school. I understood this because LONG ago (as in months) we knew in advance how busy this time would be for her. So I understood that.

I can't really describe the feeling I got when she contacted me though. Something like feeling your heart skip a beat; or go into slow motion for a few seconds... followed by speeding up like a train and beating a hundred beats a second.

I said I was never really expecting to hear from her again, honestly. I said that I was happy to hear from her again, but wasn't expecting it.

I kept myself pretty distant (ironic considering some of the things I've wrote in earlier blogs heh) but that was from fear that she would end the conversation by letting me down.

In a way, I was unfortunately right... because by the end of the conversation, she said she wasn't exactly sure when she wanted to get back together... only that she did want to sometime soon.

I put up my guard though, and definitely don't expect to get back with her. I want to-- but I don't expect to.

It ended with a nice phone call from her just a few minutes ago (9:30pm EST) where we talked. Not really about the breakup or getting back together... (thats never a good idea). Just talked. I made her laugh a lot and noticed that for the first time (outside of dreaming), I was happy briefly.

I was smart enough to realize though even at that moment that that happiness would diminish beginning immediately after the phone call would end... and I realized I was probably setting myself up for a let down.

I hate to be pessimistic but I can't be ignorant enough to submit myself to wishful thinking. She said she wanted to get back together, but I've heard that before from girls. I know she loves me, but I still refuse to believe in anything til I see it 100%, you know?

I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I'll be looking back at this blog and it'll bring a tear to me eye because I was right about being let down. Tonight, though... tonight I may sleep a little easier.

Well, I guess the future will tell what's to come. I told her though that it's best no contact is made until she's ready to be together.

My birthday is November 30th, so hopefully I get to see her for it.

But I've learned better than to expect anything, ya know?

I am way too young to be jaded, dammit.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

The Pain of Seperation and Silence

Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.

That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.

I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.

I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.

It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.

I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.

But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.

But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.

Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.

Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.

After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.