Today I find myself thinking a lot about the good times-- times where we could count on each other.
That could be the worst pain of all-- thinking back when everything was a little bit more simple-- a little less lonely... thinking about when you had someone who cared about you as much as you did them. Losing that in the blink of an eye is another type of indescribable pain.
I find myself thinking of the times we went to the movie theater together... she wanted to see the chick flick Nights in Rodanthe and I complained like an idiot... even though she'd went with me to see my movies so many times... how could I have been so ignorant? If I could go back, I'd go see every movie SHE ever wanted to see... and I wouldn't give a damn about mine.
I just didn't appreciate her enough it seems, and I'm being really hard on myself. And to be honest, a tear is making its way down my face right now as I type this.
It just seems like I took her for granted. What a stupid error on my part... one I'd give anything to take back. If I had another chance, I wouldn't take a single thing for granted. I'd appreciate the clothes she wore, the makeup she put on... the music she likes... the things she wants to see, places she wants to go; I'd never take her for granted again.
I remember going and visiting a potential college she wanted to attend-- and this was recent. We got up very early and I was very drowsy, and I'm sure it seemed like I just didn't care... because every time we sat down, I almost fell asleep. But deep down I was excited for her; excited to be there with her. I was happy to see her interested in bettering herself like this. I wish I'd expressed that more. I wish I wasn't so afraid to show her my emotions... I was afraid because I was scared of getting hurt. How ironic that I lost the girl I love because I was afraid to show her how much I love her. I'd take it all back if I could.
But I guess those promises are falling on deaf ears. And rightfully so, I'd say.
But God, if only she could read this and see how sorry I am for being selfish. And if only I could have a second chance. She'd never stop smiling.
Although I'm sure I'll never get that chance, it still helps to express it to the world. Because I really mean it. I was a fool.
Thankfully I have a few very close friends who have been here for me. Andy, Bob, and Dante. Also, Roger. All 4 have stuck with me even in my worst. I do my best to suppress the pain and emotion-- which I guess I'm good at at this point. But anyone who knows me, can tell I'm not doing alright.
After all-- who WOULD at this point in time? Anyone who lost true love, knows how painful it is. And that's exactly why this blog exists... so that some people can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
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