Hello my friends... my, how time has flown.

Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.

I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?

Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.

Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.

I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.

She accepted.

So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).

When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.

Well, then came the actual date.

We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.

But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..

For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.

I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.

Everything was like it used to be.

We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...

We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.

Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.

At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.

And that was that..

I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.

I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

A Love Letter on a Rainy Night

I've considered one last effort to get back the girl I love so much--

Write her a heartfelt letter.

Out of respect, I am not going to post the letter here because it is a special letter between her and I. But rest assured that it came from the heart, and I meant what I said in it.

It ended up being a few pages, so I didn't want to add more to it, by writing down all the great plans I wanted to share with her someday... like the picnic on a beach in the sunset... and sight seeing foreign nations... seeing Paris, France together... Holding hands under the stars... It makes me sad to think I possibly can't do that with the one girl I truly love.

As far as the relationship goes, I feel like I've been selfish a lot and inattentive... I guess that's a symptom of being in a relationship for a while... but the time apart showed me that this isn't what I want. (Obviously). I've changed.

My efforts may very well be in vain, though, and I'm actually expecting nothing from this... but I'm going to quote a song I love a lot, to explain why I'm trying.

"Love is Not a Fight... But it's Something Worth Fighting For"


Love is Not a Fight - Warren Barfield


I'd be the luckiest guy on Earth to have a second chance. I would never take it for granted.


I just want to clarify, though... even if I get nowhere with my efforts... I hope none of you lose hope in getting back the one you love. And if I fail, then I hope YOU have better luck. Truly, I do. If I get burned, then don't let yourselves get burned too; because my failures will be mine alone. If you love someone as much as I do, then your love is truly worth fighting for...

My Favorite Memories of Us

I know I'm posting a lot of entries today. Maybe it's because today is the hardest, and I view this blog as a form of therapy for me.

I'm going to post some of my favorite memories... this is going to be extremely hard. Extremely difficult...

My first favorite memory was when I asked her out in the mall. She was so beautiful that day, and so kind and shy. I knew right there and then that this girl would be someone irreplaceable in my life. We walked through that big mall hand in hand, and I wanted to buy her a stuffed animal. I remember how happy I was when she said she would be my girlfriend. I swear, fireworks were going off around me as I held her in my arms.

Next up was New Years... which was only a few days after I asked her out. We talked about how one day we'd love to go to NY and see the ball drop. I was so excited thinking about that day coming.

I remember later that day she had changed her Myspace status to "In a Relationship". I looked at her myspace and her "mood" was set to "Happy" and it just meant so much to me. I don't think I ever told her how much the small things meant.

Next up was the first time she came over to MY house-- a few days later. I remember her just cuddling with me in my bed and I remember thinking how fast time was going by and how much I wish it'd slow down so I'd have more time with her. I was always so, so sad when she had to go.

I loved every single movie we watched together-- and I appreciated so much how she was always willing to watch my movies with me. How stupid I was for taking her for granted... I wish I returned every favor she'd ever given me.

Next up was how we'd talk on the phone-- I told her I hated to talk on the phone but I never told her why. The real reason was because hearing her voice made me miss her so much, and made me wish I was with her right now. I can't believe I never told her that. She must've thought it was her I didn't want to talk to for some personal reason-- but that was NEVER the case. EVER! Hearing her voice, although making me miss her, was the sweetest sound on Earth. Hearing it one more time would mean the world to me...

Another favorite memory was more recent-- it was during the Summer. It was when she would stay over at my house for 3-4 days in a row. I cherished those days more than she ever will know. They were the brightest days of the week, even if they were nothing but rain. When we took our naps together, her in my arms, her head on my chest, I felt invincible. I would've truly taken a bullet for this girl-- protected her from the world.

Another memory, as I mentioned earlier in my entries-- was the amusement park Kennywood. I was so proud to be with her. Walking around, seeing and riding rides with her and her nephew... it was such a great time. I don't think I ever let her know how happy it made me to be there with her that day... I wish I could've let her know.

I remember when she first got her job-- she came home right after I woke up-- and I was so happy and proud of her that she got that job. She still has it to this day...

And also, one of my favorite memories? Every night we spent together; every opportunity I had to hold her hand or let her know I loved her... that was a great memory that I wouldn't trade for all the money in this entire world. All these tears are worth the memories. I wouldn't give them up even now. But man, what I'd give up to share some more.

Another great time is a dance we went to; she was so beautiful in her blue dress. I remember going shopping with her to find it. We knew it was great when we saw it. We knew we had to have it.

That night of that dance, it was so wonderful to dance with her. I had a cold though and had to keep running to the restroom to blow my nose... it was uncomfortable, but still such an amazing night. I was so stupid after though because her friend invited us out to dinner and she wanted to go and I told her I wasn't feeling well-- and so we went home. I wish we went out to dinner-- wish I could've added another smile to her that night. She was upset with me the rest of that night, and now I know I deserved it.

There were so many things I wanted to do with her-- so many things I still do. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality by realizing she and me will never see eachother again. What a shame... I wanted to give her the whole world. I wanted to give her the best of me.

Today is the Worst...

Last night I had a dream where I was with her again.. it was the only time I'd been happy really since. We were laying in bed together cuddling like we used to.

Then I woke up and faced the reality that I was alone. That type of pain is unreal, and it makes me want to break down.

I was in a hotel last night in Erie, Pennsylvania because my dad had to work there today and decided he'd spend the night there, as usual. When he has to work there the next day, he always stays over the night before. So I decided I'd rather not be alone-- and I decided to go with him.

The drive home this morning was the hardest I'd ever been on myself before. I doubted everything, second guessed every positive thing about me, and self analyzed myself looking for faults where I don't think there are really any. I ripped myself to pieces, which is something that you simply can't afford to do when going through a time like me-- I know that now. At the time, it truly felt like all the pain, doubt, disgust, and loathing of everyone in the whole wide world, was flowing through me. My mind was ripping apart itself-- and it was something that I don't ever want to experience again in that degree.

Luckily I was able to meet some individuals going through a tough time too, related to what I am going through-- in particular, a guy named Roger. We've been able to help each other as much as possible, because we both lost the people we love in the same period of time. So we keep up through TXTs a lot, and try to be supportive to each other. It's a hell of a lot better than being alone, you know?

So I got to my Theater class a little late this morning, once I got back to Mercer County finally. The thoughts seemed to fade a bit when I surrounded myself with people who wanted to talk to me. We did a quick project where we drew a "theater set" based off a paragraphs description. We all drew a room with two chairs, a sofa, a door and an archway. The teacher asked all the groups to come up and draw their idea of the set on the board. My team chose me to go up and do it.

After class, I went to drop off my new Hyundai Tiburon to get it's gas cap repainted-- but they told me they could get me in on the 20th. So I made that appointment, and came home after picking up some Taco Bell. I'm now posting this.

I wonder if anyone is reading this? I wonder if anyone else is really going through what I am to this degree?

My Initial Entry: Losing Her

Hey all, my name is Thomas Xavier. (Thomas X). I hope someone out there is reading this right now. I have a feeling that someday, though, a lot of people will be reading it.

I was never interested in blogging; and to be honest, I thought it was stupid for a long time.

However, the rock in my life, the girl I loved as much as nature loves sunshine, up and left for seemingly no reason, and left me dealing with pain only comparable to a jackhammer through the chest in slowmotion.

Forgive me for being emo, though; it's just, how the hell do you put that type of pain into words? It's tough as hell, I'll admit. And I am a very strong person. You have to be tough to be what I am going to be in life.

This is helping, though, to imagine that others may be getting some type of comfort from reading this... people who are going through the same thing I am right now. I'm def. extending myself out there to help whoever I can. Always been that way. It helps me to know I'm helping others.

I'm going to conclude this blog right here, and begin a new one to tell you all the story of what I am facing. Looking forward to hearing back from some people. Keep ya heads high, I know I will.