A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

Another Cold Morning

Sometimes, I'm not sure which is worse-- the nights or the mornings following them.

I woke up today and looked out the window only to be greeted by a thousand snowflakes descending from the clouds. I stared at them for a little bit and realized they were a reflection of how I felt emotionally.

Pretty powerful stuff.

I've done pretty well with hanging onto my mentality that I did everything I could and the ball is not in my court. But sometimes, when you face that mentality and nothing changes for a while, you go back to desperately thinking up ways to correct an error that isn't even necessarily yours to correct, per se.

I remembered a random memory today and it jolted a little bit of shock and depression through me. I remembered how my ex and me saw Cloverfield together a long time ago in the theaters. That was one of my favorite memories of her, and I remember feeling that day that everything was so truly perfect and she was a truly great person and I was very lucky. It's funny how people change.

I've read a lot of your experiences and about your losses, and what's left of my heart goes out to every one of you.

It's wishful thinking, yes, but sometimes I wish the world wasn't so cold... whether it be weather wise, or emotionally.

Happiness in spite of Heart Ache

Just when things were starting to get really dim and I was feeling claustrophobic in my own head, I was fortunate enough to talk to my good friend Roger.

I'm sure a lot of you have already read where I've talked about my fears and mistakes with my ex. I'll go into a little more detail.

I was a little too distant with her sometimes, because I was afraid of being hurt. I was a little too confident around her, because I know girls like guys with confidence. I was a little too withdrawn so I didn't seem clingy. I didn't really give in to some things she wanted to do, because I wanted to seem strong.

Looking back, it really makes me seem insecure.

But Roger helped shine some light on the dark area's, and he helped me realize that the reason I acted this way is because I was hurt by my first love. I was my real self around her, and I got burned for it... so I wanted to change and hide my weaknesses and insecurities. Guess it backfired, didn't it?

But my other good friend Bob told me something last night. I told him I felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or bent far enough for my current ex. He told me that I definitely did. He said that I gave her all my time; I was always txting and talking to her. And he reminded me I was driving an hour every week to see her, and giving her my entire weekend. He said that IS bending... it was bending as much as possible. I was always there for her when she needed it, and although I was distant generally, my heart was always with her and I was always there for her.

That made me realize that sending her a letter would be a mistake. Because it was really her who should be sending me one.

By writing that letter I had to face a lot of my demons and mistakes... and I did. I guess I don't need to send it anymore... because she needs to see what she lost on her own. Roger said that I passed some kind of test, because if I was really stable minded, then I would never need to send that letter. He told me that after I said I refuse to send the letter.

It's funny how your emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute you're ready to do anything, and then the other, you see things how they are. Right now, I see things as clearly as I have for a little while now.

I just don't look forward to when I feel very lonely again and become overcome with the memories. No one with a heart can ever truly be prepared to face that. But I just have to keep reminding myself that although I made some mistakes, I was still there for her always, and it wasn't me who broke up with her. It also helps to know that I txt her a nice long positive txt mssg a few days after we broke up... and she never replied.

Closure is a powerful tool in these circumstances, and I feel like I have it for now. Closure that I did what I could and what I should.

It's up to her to re-open the door she's closed.



"So Few Come and Don't Go".


This a great song right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9xUV9GmMcU - Look After You

Truly the Hardest Morning

Last night I had a dream. A dream where we were together again and this time going places and doing stuff. I felt so at peace and relaxed while I was asleep for once.

And then I woke up. I know a lot of you out there have had this dream, too. You have these dreams. It's so difficult... so hard to accept. So hard to get the ones you love out of your head.

Fate really wanted to throw me a curve ball this time, because not only did I dream about my current ex, but I also dreamt about my first love. The only two girls I ever loved, both in my dream at once. You know how bad that sucks?

So here I am. It seems like Mondays are the worst. You know why? Because I used to spend every day of the weekend with her and then have a dream of her Sunday night. Guess that habit hasn't been broken. :(

As I stated in my last post, I didn't send the letter I wrote. It was 3 pages of heartfelt things stating everything from wishing her good luck, to how much I'll miss her.

I also drew a rose and wrote "This Rose will Never Die. It symbolizes my love".

And it also told her the link to this blog. Under the link, I wrote "I never forgot about you".

I want to send it. But a lot of people have advised against it... they said that it won't bring her back. They said they've all tried stuff like this, and it never works.

Is it not worth trying, though?



*Updated 8:39am*: Wanted to give a shout out to Melissa. You went through what I am too, and I take your advice very realistically. I guess you're right-- if she really wanted me, she'd come back without a letter. You are right about not sending it. I'll just hold onto the letter. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can imagine the pain, but I hope it's not as severe as I imagine. Keep ya head up.

Nothin Worse than Dreams

Ever have one of those nights where you have 3-4 dreams in a row of the person you lost?

Makes you feel like a damn stalker or something. The first dream was a coincidence, or perhaps out of me missing her-- and when I woke up in a sweat, I told myself to not think about her.. I tried really hard... which in turn lead me to thinking about her more.. and having that many more dreams.

It was very tough waking up each time and finding out your dream wasn't a reality. I guess that can be said about MANY dreams we all have; extending past the boundaries of love.

Waking up, though, my conscious and fully awake mind is able to once again block out the pain so I don't feel much... but I know when my guards down (aka half asleep, half awake), I'll feel the pain again.

I'm sure deep down she thinks I don't care about her that much. If only she stumbled upon this blog. If only she saw how much I really care... and that I haven't forgotten her... if only she saw how much I miss her... love her...

I guess sometimes life throws you the most gigantic curve ball.

The trick is finding out how to hit a home run despite it.