The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)

Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...

Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.

She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."

Another day came and passed.

Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.

I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?

She said "Fine, sorry..."

I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.

After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:

What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?


She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.

I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.

She said she's young and just wants to have fun.

I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...

Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.

I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.

She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.

It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.

I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.

I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.

She said yes.

I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.

She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.


Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.

So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.

Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.

You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.

It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.

Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.

The Weekends are Amongst the Worst

Man, let me tell you all about last night.

It was my best friends birthday, and we decided to rent a van and go out to the City of Steel (Pittsburgh). About 9 of us. So we head over with the intentions of going to a club. 

Well, the ride down was awesome. Everyone was cool, and I drank a little bit so it went very well. I was having a lot of fun. But then of course, whenever alcohol is involved, you start thinking about that person. (At least thats the case with me. That's why I never drink. Or at least one of the reasons, anyways).

So we get to Pitt and things take a turn for the worst.

I get to the door of the club and realize I don't have my new drivers license I.D. only my old, expired junior license. I tried using it and wasn't surprised to hear them deny me, citing it was expired. (Had a damn hole punched in it).

So I walked back to the van by myself and fell asleep. My good friend Andy called a few times asking me if I wanted him to come out but I told him no, I'll be good. So I stayed in there, freezing my ass off. Still, no one to blame but myself.

So things got even better when I couldn't stop thinking of my ex, while I was alone in the city of steel, where shes from. Man, you never feel so lonely as you do when you're all alone in such a big city.

Fast forward to today, here's where things got interesting.

My ex TXT me out of the blue talking about how my bdays tomorrow. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt flushed, and like my pulse was pumping very powerfully.

After some light chatting, I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She actually said YES she did. But then cited how she's been babysitting her little nephew all weekend and doesn't know if she'll be able to get out of it.

Well, I wasn't really expecting her to.

Good thing because she just TXT me not long ago saying how she can't go tomorrow.

I told her let's set a date for the future and stick to it.

She said "I don't make plans I just play everything by ear."

That's when she got a txt "ok bye".

I have no plans to txt her again at this point. I'm not trying to follow her around especially when it's everyone who keeps reiterrating how bad of a loss it is for her.

I may not feel this way in a while but I do now. She is messing up and pissing me off at this point.