The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)

Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...

Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.

She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."

Another day came and passed.

Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.

I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?

She said "Fine, sorry..."

I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.

After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:

What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?


She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.

I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.

She said she's young and just wants to have fun.

I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...

Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.

I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.

She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.

It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.

I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.

I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.

She said yes.

I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.

She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.


Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.

So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.

Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.

You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.

It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.

Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Does your mind feel like two different entities?

More specifically, does it feel like it's working against itself?

Seriously, you'd think your mind would have whats best for you in... well, mind.

But it keeps popping up good memories I had with my ex, and its making my heart depressed. And my consciousness feel terrible.

Why is this? Why do you taunt yourself with the good times? Why does your head play these type of tricks against you? Is it an effort to make itself stronger by breaking and building itself back up?

...I honestly don't know. Right now though I feel like I failed in some ways and I'd give anything to go back a few months and start from there with my ex again. It makes me feel terribly depressed and frustrated and more alone than I ever have before.

This is the price you pay for falling in love, I guess. If I am better off now, though, alone, then I was back then in a relationship with her... then I'd pick being worse off with her. The worst part perhaps is that she'll never know how much I really cared.

God, why couldn't things have turned out different, though, you know?

I wish she missed me as much as I miss her. I wish she wanted me back like I do her.

A Surprising Turn of Events

No, I didn't talk to my ex or anything. It's actually been about 5-6 days since I talked to her last. Been pretty heavy on the NC (No Contact) rule. And it's been so, SO tough.

NC is the only chance you will really have of getting back a lost love, when you didn't do anything really wrong. (By really wrong, I mean cheating, abuse, etc...). It hurts though to not be in contact...

But anyways.

Paranoia has gotten the best of me lately and I have suspected that maybe something might be wrong with me. A little worried, I did some research.

I thought for a moment I could be a narcissist. (Because I saw some things in common with the symptoms of narcissism).

So even more worried, I took some tests online. (Yes I know those aren't 100% accurate).

Turns out that I'm actually the OPPOSITE of a narcissist. It seems I'm suffering from low self esteem... and depression.

If only she knew that all those times I asked about my looks-- all those times I bragged... it wasn't because I was full of myself. It was because I had no self esteem... even though it looked like I was super confident.. I really had barely any at all.

I put up a front of confidence and what not to everyone-- but it seems that it's just because i'm just pushing myself because I have low self esteem, and don't want anyone to see it. What an odd turn of events.

Remember how I said when it rains, it pours?

I should say "When it rains, it FLOODS".