So begins the long road forward again?

Well, it looks like I'll be writing here everyday again... Do I really have to start at square one... After all this progress?

Actually, maybe not. I'm happy to say it's not the same. I feel like even though I saw her again, I didn't get knocked back all that badly... I feel like I still retained some of (or most of) my progress and strength.

But I must ask myself, for how long will this shield hold? How long until the pain really hits me again? How long until I have to face the loneliness, and the pain again?

It's so truly unfortunate that she is the way she is. I loved her so much, and would've done anything for her. Are guys like me really that common that she could give up like she did...?

I don't know what to do. I'm just lost.

Hello my friends... my, how time has flown.

Well, look how many months it's been since I last posted.

I'm sure you're curious what has changed by now, aren't you?

Well, I'll start by saying I was completely over my ex. At least 90% anyways. I was off to a very good start.

Then it came. About a week and a half ago, I got a TXT from her saying she misses me and wants to see me.

I didn't know how to react to this at first but I told her I refuse to be her friend. I said I will only accept going on a date.

She accepted.

So, I went and I finally picked her up after so many months of not seeing her. (6 whole months!).

When I first saw her, it choked me up and a few tears were fighting to get out. I was so choked up that I couldn't even talk when I saw her/her mom! It was so difficult.

Well, then came the actual date.

We went to downtown Pittsburgh City together, and I could immediately tell she was distant. All this time seemed to have taken it's toll after all.

But then we got to the movies, way early.. and just sat in my car. I laid my head on her chest, and began to tear up. I pulled away from her slowly, and saw that she was crying. She leaned over to my side of the car and we held eachother and both cried. I asked her if she still loved me, and she said she did..

For the rest of that night, I held her and things felt like they used to be.

I cried as I drove her back home, thinking this would be the last time I saw her. She held me and cried too and said we would see eachother soon.

Everything was like it used to be.

We were even saying "I love you" every night before we went to bed. I couldn't believe it...

We actually even made plans to go to the beach together in June. Everything was so perfect. I was so happy.

Then out of nowhere a few mornings ago, it all changed. She said she didn't know if she could go anymore. And then she pulled the same bs again about how busy she was, and how she doesn't want to lead me on.. because she has no time for a relationship.

At this point, I really had it. I wasn't mean, I wasn't cruel. I truly am more mature than I used to be. I simply told her how bad it hurt, and that I'll let how much she's going to miss me, speak for itself.

And that was that..

I can't believe it all fell through. Things were going so well... I wish she didn't contact me and bring me back down again.

I really don't want to start from square one again.. God the feeling of loneliness is like being crucified.

What has Changed?

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog. Well, it seems long anyways.

A lot has changed, I suppose...


My ex txt me back the day after I left my last entry... she said that if I was bothered by her talking to guys, she wouldn't bother me.

I never replied. I ignored her and have never spoken to her again.

This grants a sense of liberation and power, and has shined some light on something I thought would be dark for a very long time.

I really just accepted I would never hear or see her again. And although the pain still lingers and pops up like stray bullets that hit you from out of nowhere, I am doing better.

It's just when I have the dreams of the ex, or remember intimate details or things like that, that I really get down. Like really down. Down enough that I feel like I'm drowning and can't breath... but all that shows me is that I really cared, and therefor, it can't be my loss...

I know more so than ever that it is my ex's loss. And although that is little consolation when I am alone on a cold night, it's still a strength that I didn't have initially.

Would I take her back right now if she begged me? I don't know... maybe... but I wouldn't jump back into her arms immediately like I would've before. I'm getting stronger...

Yes, I am getting stronger, and I know she is getting weaker. I know in time she'll see I truly loved her and treated her well. One day she'll wake up and realize I loved her, and how much she loves me...

but I'll be waking up to the girl who already did.

But alas, I know this is just what they call temporary relief. I know the pain will come back in full force later on again. I know the fight against myself isn't over.


...and so I'm going to end this particular entry with some quick lyrics I wrote.


Like the sun rise, I came to expect your eyes
They were like the skies, and also blue like the tides
As deep as the ocean is too
As deep and blue as I thought our love was true...
But like the inevitable sunset, the light diminished
And I saw the end to something I believed would never finish
Now a full hour seems caught within every minute;
This is a fight against myself, and therefor I don't know if I can ever win it.


Gotta stay strong, though.


P.S.: Wanted to give a shout out to some very important people who have helped me a lot.
Roger
JT
and Melissa.
Thank you 3

A New Nightmare

No, I'm not talking about any dreams this time.

My ex talked to me and what not and said she wants to keep talking and she's just so incredibly busy. She said she wants to hang out and kiss and stuff but she can't handle a relationship on top of all these other responsibilities. She said it rudely though.

How ironic, these girls always complain how they're lied to, cheated on, and abused. They ask where all the nice guys are? Well, I am a nice guy. And this is what happens to nice guys. This is why nice guys aren't around. They aren't around because they aren't appreciated. I never lied, I never cheated, I never broke a promise... I gave everything I had, aside from the few reservations I mentioned earlier in some blogs. (Such as keeping a slight distance in order to protect myself).

To the girls out there reading this... if you want a guy who doesn't cheat, doesn't lie... you want a nice guy... then treat them good. Because we exist. But this is the price we pay.

Anyways, I told her maybe, I just can't take her being with someone else.

She said she ISN'T with anyone else, and just talks to guys and see's nothing wrong with that.

That was bad enough, and I feel sick. The type of sick that you feel in your core and your mind before your chest and your body itself.

I can't even describe the new pain I have to face. Not that she's talking to guys, but the pain I have to face because I have to withdraw myself.

I can't be with her and see her and kiss her and have it lead nowhere for who knows how long. That will just hurt me in the long run. I have to turn down the offer to do what I've wanted to do so God ... so much... just so I don't get hurt WORSE. It's ironic, that to save myself I have to willfully go against all I've wanted, because it will just hurt me to do what I've wished I could... what a nightmare.

I can't stop thinking of the memories now where our kisses meant something. Now if I kissed her it'd be purely because she finds me good looking.

I can't do that. It rips my heart into new pieces and memories hurt in a new way now.

I've never felt so alone, and I've never been so hurt.

The pain is excruciating. Absolutely excruciating. I would've rather been stabbed and slashed and shot, than deal with this. I am one of the strongest people I know, and I am breaking down in front of myself. I can't deal with such intense pain. How do you say goodbye to yesterday? The memories are like a cancer in your mind, and every time you think about them, it RIPS you apart. The person you are right here and right now, versus the person you were at that time. Happy.

God help me, tomorrow when she txts me I will tell her enough is enough, and she bent me so far that I am ready to break.
And I'll tell her that I hope she meets a thousand more guys, simply because then and only then will she see she had and already gave up the one who loved her unconditionally. She'll never see my eyes in their eyes. She'll never hear my voice in theirs. She'll never feel my passion from them. She'll never witness my determination through their actions. She'll never see me in them. Then and only then will she see the sacrifice she made.. the sacrifice she made FOR NOTHING.

You know how they say your first love is always the hardest to lose?

Don't listen to them. I have never been so overcome with pain in my entire life. Not even when I lost my first love. Not even when I lost my mom.

The Pain of Trauma (And Paranoia)

Wow, it's been a few days. Some bad things have happened...

Firstly, my birthday was November 30th. That was probably the loneliest, and worst birthday I've ever had. It took every ounce of me to not talk to my ex, all day. That's how I spent my birthday. Fighting against myself.

She txt me out of nowhere though and said happy birthday. I simply replied "thanks..."

Another day came and passed.

Then bam, yesterday she txts me again, asking how my birthday is.

I ask her with respect what her intentions are? I said I cannot be friends with her, and she is avoiding hanging out, so what is it she's looking for?

She said "Fine, sorry..."

I said she had no idea how cold she looked to me, and how selfish.

After some talking, I was ready to just cut off all contact. So I ended it by saying:

What if i said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I looked as if I didn't care, and crushed all of your dreams
What if I broke all the promises we swore to keep
Tell me chrissy, how your life would be
If I did to you what you've done to me?


She broke down and said she DOES care and DOES still love me, and is just confused as to what to do.

I told her if she'd just talk to me, maybe we could work something out.

She said she's young and just wants to have fun.

I said Chrissy, why can't you have fun with me? Don't you remember all the fun we had? All the good times? You sure never seemed too unhappy...

Then she said she is afraid to get back together because she is afraid to do this to me again.

I told her I understand we're young, and if it happens again, then it happens again. I told her it's worth it, and I would take the chance.

She said she still thinks about me everyday, and just doesn't know what to do.

It broke my heart to see this was going nowhere.

I stopped txting her, and before long, she txts me again talking about nothing relevant.

I told her how I was writing a book, and I asked her if she misses my books.

She said yes.

I sent her a copy of the cover of the book, through picture mssg.

She said she wished she were at my house right now with me.


Then bam, she said she was going to practice and would TXT me later.
She never did.

So here I am, facing the worst all over again. I feel used in a way, mislead, lead on, and like I just faced trauma again and am alone. I let my hopes get slightly up for her, only to be KNOCKED down like an avalaunch.

Then the worst of all, begins to set in:
Paranoia.

You begin to ask yourself why she didn't txt back, what you did wrong, what you could do different, and if you should contact her.

It's just impossible to know what to do, and I feel lost and confused and alone.

Probably the worst feelings on Earth. I cannot describe how bad it hurts.

The Weekends are Amongst the Worst

Man, let me tell you all about last night.

It was my best friends birthday, and we decided to rent a van and go out to the City of Steel (Pittsburgh). About 9 of us. So we head over with the intentions of going to a club. 

Well, the ride down was awesome. Everyone was cool, and I drank a little bit so it went very well. I was having a lot of fun. But then of course, whenever alcohol is involved, you start thinking about that person. (At least thats the case with me. That's why I never drink. Or at least one of the reasons, anyways).

So we get to Pitt and things take a turn for the worst.

I get to the door of the club and realize I don't have my new drivers license I.D. only my old, expired junior license. I tried using it and wasn't surprised to hear them deny me, citing it was expired. (Had a damn hole punched in it).

So I walked back to the van by myself and fell asleep. My good friend Andy called a few times asking me if I wanted him to come out but I told him no, I'll be good. So I stayed in there, freezing my ass off. Still, no one to blame but myself.

So things got even better when I couldn't stop thinking of my ex, while I was alone in the city of steel, where shes from. Man, you never feel so lonely as you do when you're all alone in such a big city.

Fast forward to today, here's where things got interesting.

My ex TXT me out of the blue talking about how my bdays tomorrow. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt flushed, and like my pulse was pumping very powerfully.

After some light chatting, I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She actually said YES she did. But then cited how she's been babysitting her little nephew all weekend and doesn't know if she'll be able to get out of it.

Well, I wasn't really expecting her to.

Good thing because she just TXT me not long ago saying how she can't go tomorrow.

I told her let's set a date for the future and stick to it.

She said "I don't make plans I just play everything by ear."

That's when she got a txt "ok bye".

I have no plans to txt her again at this point. I'm not trying to follow her around especially when it's everyone who keeps reiterrating how bad of a loss it is for her.

I may not feel this way in a while but I do now. She is messing up and pissing me off at this point.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.