The Weekends are Amongst the Worst

Man, let me tell you all about last night.

It was my best friends birthday, and we decided to rent a van and go out to the City of Steel (Pittsburgh). About 9 of us. So we head over with the intentions of going to a club. 

Well, the ride down was awesome. Everyone was cool, and I drank a little bit so it went very well. I was having a lot of fun. But then of course, whenever alcohol is involved, you start thinking about that person. (At least thats the case with me. That's why I never drink. Or at least one of the reasons, anyways).

So we get to Pitt and things take a turn for the worst.

I get to the door of the club and realize I don't have my new drivers license I.D. only my old, expired junior license. I tried using it and wasn't surprised to hear them deny me, citing it was expired. (Had a damn hole punched in it).

So I walked back to the van by myself and fell asleep. My good friend Andy called a few times asking me if I wanted him to come out but I told him no, I'll be good. So I stayed in there, freezing my ass off. Still, no one to blame but myself.

So things got even better when I couldn't stop thinking of my ex, while I was alone in the city of steel, where shes from. Man, you never feel so lonely as you do when you're all alone in such a big city.

Fast forward to today, here's where things got interesting.

My ex TXT me out of the blue talking about how my bdays tomorrow. My heart was beating so fast, and I felt flushed, and like my pulse was pumping very powerfully.

After some light chatting, I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She actually said YES she did. But then cited how she's been babysitting her little nephew all weekend and doesn't know if she'll be able to get out of it.

Well, I wasn't really expecting her to.

Good thing because she just TXT me not long ago saying how she can't go tomorrow.

I told her let's set a date for the future and stick to it.

She said "I don't make plans I just play everything by ear."

That's when she got a txt "ok bye".

I have no plans to txt her again at this point. I'm not trying to follow her around especially when it's everyone who keeps reiterrating how bad of a loss it is for her.

I may not feel this way in a while but I do now. She is messing up and pissing me off at this point.

The Things I'd do Differently

I just wanted to take some time to share the things I'd do differently. I'm basically just thinking out loud here, and wanted to also create a reference for myself so that I can look back and use this in order to better myself in all future relationships.

Let's see here. I made my fair share of mistakes... and if I had a second chance, here's what I'd do different.

1. I'd listen more, and I'd listen better.
2. I'd take the time to be there more for my ex.
3. I wouldn't try to be distant in order to protect myself.
4. I would buy her flowers more.
5. I'd let her know how much I care, more.
6. I'd let her know I truly love and appreciate her.
7. I'd stop being so damn self absorbed.
8. I'd stop being mean in general, to the best of my abilities.
9. I'd kiss her more.
10. I'd watch HER movies, instead of always just expecting her to watch mine.
11. I'd listen to HER music, instead of always expecting her to listen to mine.
12. I'd hang out with her friends, so she didn't feel like it was either her friends or me. (Not that I ever gave her the impression it would be or was that way).
13. I'd do more things in general that she wanted to do.
14. I'd be more fun.
15. I'd try to laugh more.
16. I'd go out of my way more to understand things.
17. I'd think of her as more of an individual, rather than just "my girlfriend", or "us".
18. I'd do my best to never let her down. (I already tried hard in this catagory, though).
19. I'd do my best to make her laugh.
20. I'd do my best to never make her cry.


If I had a second chance, would I do things differently? Hell yeah.

Do I think I'll have a second chance?

I wish. But I don't expect. And as the days pass, I'm afraid that she is getting over me more and more and seeing things that I did wrong in the past. I truly am afraid I'll never see her again.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving. Hope everyone has a good day and gets some good memories.

I'm just going to spend it quietly with my dad at the house. Nothing big or flashy.

Man, I know I seem like a broken record, but I had another dream of the ex. This time, I dreamt that her dad told me she was going on a date with someone.

Why the hell do our minds play tricks on us like this? ...
I have a feeling that I'm trying to subject myself to the worst possible scenarios so that if (God forbid) any of them did happen, then at least it won't be a life shattering shock. That's the only reason I can explain or rationalize having these dreams... other than them just being my greatest fears, right now.

I wish I could say Happy Thanksgiving to her and kiss her today. I would give anything to spend the holidays with the one I love.

But I guess I can't. Today is going to be a hard day...

Sorry

Sorry my friends that I haven't been able to post on here as often as I would like to.

I wish I could say that it is because I am making major progress and healing like a damn medic... but that isn't the case.

Yesterday and today I actually realized that I don't even want to watch movies that came out during the time period that I was with my ex. Seriously, like, I won't go rent "I am Legend", etc., just because I saw it while I was with my ex, and watching it again now would just bring back painful memories...

I feel crazy. I am doing okay off and on, though... it's just when those painful memories come out of the woodwork's with no warnings... it catches me completely off guard and can ruin my outlook for a while to come.

Someone told me that I should just be happy for going through the experience, even though it's over now.

Yeah, real easy for you to say dude, when you aren't missing that special person ever minute of the day... every minute feeling like an eternity when you're thinking about her. (Or for the girls out there, thinking about HIM).



On a happier note, I've been writing my book lately... it's going along well, and I've got the website up and running... looking to get it published around the February/March of 09 time slot. That's been taking my mind off of things, and I'm grateful for that. Hopefully the pain subsides in the time period to come... or hopefully she does what she says, and comes back.

I wonder if things will be different, though? I wonder if they'll be better... assuming I take her back. (Which of course I want to, because this pain is like an ocean that I'm stuck out in the middle of, with no raft and no swimming skills).

I want to start fresh with her, and relearn about each other... because there is no possible way things can just pick up where they left off. If a relationship is to have a chance to survive after a break, then in my opinion, you need to re-learn and start from the basics. Learn to love again from the beginning.

I hope I get the chance still. I really do. Every night before I go to bed, I hope and pray for a second chance. And I know I'm not alone. Once again, my best wishes goes out to everyone dealing with the same.

Well, I'm sure Mornings are the worst now

A few blogs back, I asked the question which was worse... the nights or the mornings following them.

After dealing with a few more nights and mornings, I'm definitely positive that at least for me, mornings are the worst.

It's cruel how your mind plays tricks on you in your dreams and then you face reality when you wake up. I know today is far from the first day I've had dreams of the ex only to wake up to a cold morning where the only thing near me is a thousand snowflakes.. but damn, just like losing love, it doesn't get easier. Not yet, anyway.

You know, someone once told me that "You can never read in your dreams".

I'm callin this right now as bs, because I definitely read in my dreams. This will sound nuts, but I read a TXT mssg from the ex in my dream. Yeah, that sounds really crazy heh. The dream TXT said that she had moved on and we'd never be back together and that I screwed up too much.

Are dreams mearly your greatest fears played out by your subconcious?

Because hell, right after that dream, I had a dream I was right in the middle of the texas chainsaw massacre haha... dodging a psycho with a chainsaw. That was scary as hell, and definitely not a welcome addition to my nightmares for the night.

Anyways... my good friend JT said something that is pretty powerful, or at least something that gives some hope. He said:

"All this pain has to be for something. It will pay off in the end."

I hope so brother.

Maybe being single isn't so bad...

Nope, I didn't hook up with some random girls or anything.

The key to ever having a successful relationship, is to be happy with yourself first. You have to be happy single, before you can be happy with a relationship.

So I'm pretty much trying to find things that I like about myself, and things I like about being single. Can't say my list is long or anything, but it's an effort that I feel is a step in the right direction.

On another note, though... I was talking to my good friend Dante today who's in a tight relationship with a girl that he loves a lot. I told him something that I will share with everyone else.

I'll state the mistakes I DID make, so that they weren't so in vein. Hopefully everyone out there will be able to learn from my mistakes, and even relate to them.

I let my relationship get routine. I let it become usual, and I took it for granted. I didn't think of my ex as a truly unique person, but rather a part of "us".

This was a critical error, for sure, and I now see that. This is an extremely common mistake that we all make. We take our gf's (or bf's, for the girls out there reading this) for granted a lot, after enough time has passed.

The day things become "routine", is the first day that your relationship stops moving forward, and starts moving backwards.

I wish I treated my ex special more, but I can't with a level head, truly blame myself 100%. I know she took me for granted too, and I don't blame her. Because we all do it. Hopefully in the future, though, I can avoid this mistake.

I told my good friend Dante this, as I said. He took the advice to heart, and hopefully it will help his relationship. I only wish someone told me the same advice when I was only a few months in with my ex... but then again, I'm sure I'd still forget it after enough time had elapsed, and go right back to human nature... which is to begin to expect whatever is 'always there', to always be there.

I am beginning to feel some anger about some various things she did do/say to me, though.

Which is a good thing, for one simple reason:

"Anger and Agony are better than Misery".

Don't think I've ever felt this Lonely...

Well, this morning started out just like so many others. I had a few dreams of my ex... it was more like nightmares, though, because I dreamt it was her dating someone else. You know what it feels like to have sleep induce a heart break?

I woke up this morning lonelier than I've ever been before... and the worst part about that is that my friend Andy decided he'd chill at my house for the night. That's a bad thing because despite him sleeping over on the floor not 10 feet away, I still felt like I was absolutely alone.

I'm at that point in time right now where I can remember my ex's voice since we just talked recently, but it also seems distant and like she forgot me already or something. Unwarranted paranoia is a scary disease.

She told me something that really bothers me, too. When we talked, she told me she was going to go to a new club that just opened 20 miles away with a few of her friends. I'm not a jealous person by any means, so I wasn't bothered by it then. But then my friend Andy starts going into target mode and telling me I should just never speak to her again for that and that I was always out of her league anyways.

It made me think a lot about what she's doing at the club now. It sucks to second guess your ability to relax. It really does...

Today is going to be extra tough too because I have to drive to Pittsburgh today to meet with some people... and my ex is from Pitt. I haven't been to Pitt since we broke up, and now I have to go back after these 3 weeks. Alone this time, for the first time in God knows how long. Gunna be extra tough today.

I hope this all has a happy ending a few weeks down the road... but with everyday that passes, I feel more alone. Just like so many of you.

My heart really goes out to my dudes JT and Roger. Both of you are going through a time perhaps twice as difficult as mine. You guys are the inspiration that keeps me sane. If you can do it, we all can do it.

Lost in Winter

Lost in Winter (Audio)
(As usual with all audio entries, I recommend opening the audio narration linked above, in a separate window so that you can read this blog and listen to me narrate it, if you'd like).


This, I think, is the worst possible time to lose someone you love.

I was outside this morning for a while, and damn... everything felt twice as cold as it did last winter, easily.

Winter is representative of loneliness; the cold is reflective to pain you feel.

Heh, I feel like I'm saying song lyrics or something... but it's true. You never feel so chilly as to when you're outside in the cold conditions with a cold heart. In a way it almost feels something like ice traveling through your veins, and your mind, instead of blood...

But let's see... I'll tell you why today's really beginning to get difficult.

The effect of talking to her is beginning to fade.. I knew this would come.. I knew it the second she first contacted me 2 days ago... I knew I'd have a cushion for a while and then it'd be hard once we don't talk again for a while after that... so I'm entering that transition now.I hope she proves me wrong though and comes through for me but i just have to keep reminding myself that all I've ever had is me.. all any of us have ever had is us... I never really lost anything, because the world is still the same world... and I've always only seen it through mMY eyes alone, and heard it through only my ears, ya know?

So what have I really lost? What have any of us really lost? We still are human, we still have a mind, a head... a body... so all we really lost is someone else's seperate perception of the world? Thinking along those lines is the best help I have for myself... and advising others to think like that for a little is what I believe is the best medicine to fight the pain... remind yourself you're still you... you've still got the 50 states, all the nations and the oceans.. all the stars in the sky. You haven't lost anything except a seperate persons opinions of the world.

I gotta keep reminding myself of that.

I'll be Narrating my Blog Entries from now on

Click here to listen to me narrate this entry
(I recommend you open that in a second window though so you can read my blog as I narrate it)



SPECIAL NOTES:
I have decided to start narrating the entries of my blogs, so that you can hear me say these instead of just reading them... or you can listen to the audio while you follow along with the blogs. (That's whats with the link at the very top of this entry. Click on it if you haven't yet, if you want to hear me speak this entry).
All future entries will have an audio narration.


I guess this is the first official narrated entry. From now on, though, all my entries will be narrated by me.

This should hopefully add a new level to the blog entries I post, and you'll be able to read along to my voice.

A Day Unlike the Rest

No.. didn't talk to the ex again or anything.

So you might be asking yourself-- what made today unlike the other days?

Well, it was because I realized something today. I realized didn't stress over my ex.

...Nope...

That's not a good thing, though..

I felt peaceful today because I talked to my ex last night. That's bad for one major reason:
Because it means a part of me feels comfortable; believes that I'll get back with her, like she said she wanted to.

This bothered me, because it's like my subconscious had already accepted exactly what I was trying to prevent-- which is the assumption that I'll get back together with my ex in a few weeks. I tried so hard last night to embed into my own head that if I get my hopes up, it'll probably lead to a let down.

This causes a minor form of panic, because I feel like I'm beyond the point of no return; I feel like it's a done deal that I'll get back with my ex... which I am seriously trying to fight... because as I said, I don't want to set myself up for a let down.

Pretty scary in a way. It's almost like feeling claustrophobic in your own head... or like walking down a set path that you know leads to a dead end; and not being able to turn around.

Yep, that about sums up today.

But damn, I hate that my blog seems so negative-- but then again I suppose that's to be expected considering this blog is based on lost love...

I know slowly but surely though, this blog will be heading towards a positive nature. Because the pain of loss is not forever. (At least not usually to the intense degree that we feel initially). Whether I get back with the ex or not is a question that only time will tell-- but one way or another, I will keep this blog identical to my thoughts. When I really get over the ex, then this blog will reflect it. So rest assured, the pessimism is temporary.